I turned into a lunatic the other day. I was driving through an intersection, when suddenly, a car in the left-hand turning lane cut right in front of me. I slammed on the brakes, pressed down on the horn, and missed the other car by inches. Most of us, me included, think we are peaceful. But after that car cut me off and almost caused an accident, I was yelling in language that would not be appropriate to print. I was so angry. Conflict sneaks up on us. Everything is fine until someone criticises our work or challenges our view or our workplace makes a decision we do not like. Once our fear is triggered, patterns of thought and behaviour follow. Perhaps we get aggressive, like I did after the car incident. Perhaps we recoil, because our feelings are hurt or our confidence is broken.
Conflict is everywhere. We experience it at work because of personality conflicts, value clashes and irritation over work habits. We experience it with the natural tensions in every organization – tension between how to allocate money, tension between departments, tension with regulatory and legislative bodies. What we have control over is not usually the actual conflict (like the car cutting in front of me) but the thoughts, actions and words that follow. We have control over how we react to conflict. It is a choice. How can we deal with conflict?
1. Be inquisitive – Be curious about the other person’s point of view or the situation. What can you learn?
2. Collaborate – Consider how you can work toward a mutually acceptable solution. How can you create a win-win?
3. “It’s not about me.” – Saying this to yourself can help you create space between the situation and your reaction. After my car incident, I reflected that cutting ME off was not the person’s intent.
4. Have a good intention – If you walk into a meeting already angry, you know what result you are going to get. If you cannot bring yourself to be of benefit in a situation, at least commit to doing no more harm.
5. Respond, don’t react – Finding those few seconds of space after a conflict with a person or situation allows you to respond to what is happening, versus reacting to it.
Learn to use conflict as lesson to learn from.
Hello Trish,
ReplyDeleteGreat article. I particularly like point #3
Understanding the other person's perspective and not taking it personally can free us up to see the situation rationally. I am reminded of a metaphor used in Thaler’s book Nudge…if only we could be more like Star Trek's Spock and less like Homer Simpson.